Rock Bottom

Addiction....it has consumed my life in one way or another. There are a few people that I have really touched this sbject with but this is (believe it or not) very hard for me to really get wide open about. I didn't realize until recently how much this disease has affected me and basically fucked me up. My real Father died of a drug overdose when I was 17 years old. He was absent for the better part of my life with random 4 - 6 hour visits every few years in between. The day that I got the call that he died, I wanted to die. We were finally on our way to making a relationship. I had forgiven him for all the things that he did to me and my Mom & my older brother and the way that I was raised and the things that I saw. In all actuality it was not for me to forgive as it was for my Mom but I did carry a lot of shit inside that I let go of. I got my own "demons" to survive. I loved and still love my Father so much that it hurts. Today I woke up missing him so much and I can't help but wonder if those days when I feel so much hurt and missing him, if maybe he is hanging out around us or trying to talk to me. I wonder if he can see me suffering. He died 14 years ago and I still miss him today as much as I did the 1st day. And what's worse is that I will never have a chance to mend anything that was left broken. I have a half brother out there that I can't find because like our Father, his Mother died too of the same thing.

When I was in middle school I put myself in a group called Ala-Teen really just to get out of class at that time but I never realized the strength and understanding that it gave me for this disease. At times I feel numb or heartless when it comes to drug addicts but I just think that, because of what happened to my Dad, that is how I survive that shit. I see addicts and all I see is an impending death. I find it very hard to talk about my personal experience but this is a topic that I like to talk about. It is so weird. Sometimes I wonder how I am the way that I am. I don't even know if I am making sense. Mayebe this is why I love Dr. Drew so much.

My Uncle Robert (also my God Father) is an addict and he is probably going to die. He has been doing drugs since he was 15 and he is almost 50 and he wants to stop but when he did stop he had a psychotic break, like literally hallucinating inventiong stories and getting crazy. He was staying with my Mom before I went back home but then he left and now he is back on drugs. My Mom just called me crying because he admitted he can't stop. She doesn't know what to do and all I could do was shut down. It's not that I don't care, I just feel like he is going to die and I wonder if I am just preparing myself.

I wish that I could reach out and offer my help BUT when I do that I lose myself in that persons life and their problems. They consume me and then when they hurt, I hurt but it seems like I hurt more then they do. I am not going to get into that. I have to watch from afar and just hope for the best. Everytime I give myself to someone I walk away with a little less of myself and of course I get it back with work but I am tired of that shit.

I just had to get all this shit off my chest because......today is a hard day.