Just when I think that I have "let go" something comes back to haunt me or test me or something. I often say to myself "Gina, you are too old to still be going through this crap" but really, when are we too old to be learning things about life and ourselves?! Yes I am always having my heart broken and I always fall back into it and get hurt all over again. Papito was the end all be all for me. I truly believed (and still do on some level) that he is the one for me. I had no choice but to walk away from him because I deserve to be someone's #1. If I stayed and sat on the sidelines I would be doing myself a great injustice. Last night I was missing him, BAD. I told that to my friend and they told me that he has been talking bad behind my back. What is said and to whom doesn't really matter. The fact that I am again disappointed in him and myself if what matters. I don't pray to be different, I wouldn't be me if I was. I do pray and hope for the ability and strength to endure what life is throwing at me. There are times when I want to throw up my arms and say "I have to change what I am doing" but I am afraid that I will lose myself if I do that. I feel so confused! I feel so lost. I don't know what to do with myself sometimes.
I have loved Papito for as long as I can remember and as deeply as I have loved anyone and this is a man that I have never even slept with. When he looked into my eyes, I felt like he was looking INTO my soul. I used to hear cheesy stuff like that and laugh becuase I thought that was so corny but I understood things like that because of this man. He could read my mind, he could feel what I was feeling. We cried together, laughed together, sat in silence together. There was no part of my life that I could imagine without him. Deciding to let him go was a decision that took me forever to make, but I had no choice. It was a decision that he was too cowardly to make for us. I still think of him everyday and I will even admit that I wonder if we will be 40 and see each other and be together. I feel pathetic when I come out of that thought process. But I still am an eternal optimistic & a romantic! One part of me wants to be that way forever (when I am happy) but then when I hurt I wish it would go away.
I can't imagine a day where I am not in love with someone or "involved" with someone. Is that a sickness? Am I as bad as an addict because I feel so co-dependant. Are relationships the thing that I need to be rehabilitated from?! :(
As you know, I can completely understand where you're coming from. KNOW you made the right decision. You deserve the best! BELIEVE that.
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