Rock Bottom

Addiction....it has consumed my life in one way or another. There are a few people that I have really touched this sbject with but this is (believe it or not) very hard for me to really get wide open about. I didn't realize until recently how much this disease has affected me and basically fucked me up. My real Father died of a drug overdose when I was 17 years old. He was absent for the better part of my life with random 4 - 6 hour visits every few years in between. The day that I got the call that he died, I wanted to die. We were finally on our way to making a relationship. I had forgiven him for all the things that he did to me and my Mom & my older brother and the way that I was raised and the things that I saw. In all actuality it was not for me to forgive as it was for my Mom but I did carry a lot of shit inside that I let go of. I got my own "demons" to survive. I loved and still love my Father so much that it hurts. Today I woke up missing him so much and I can't help but wonder if those days when I feel so much hurt and missing him, if maybe he is hanging out around us or trying to talk to me. I wonder if he can see me suffering. He died 14 years ago and I still miss him today as much as I did the 1st day. And what's worse is that I will never have a chance to mend anything that was left broken. I have a half brother out there that I can't find because like our Father, his Mother died too of the same thing.

When I was in middle school I put myself in a group called Ala-Teen really just to get out of class at that time but I never realized the strength and understanding that it gave me for this disease. At times I feel numb or heartless when it comes to drug addicts but I just think that, because of what happened to my Dad, that is how I survive that shit. I see addicts and all I see is an impending death. I find it very hard to talk about my personal experience but this is a topic that I like to talk about. It is so weird. Sometimes I wonder how I am the way that I am. I don't even know if I am making sense. Mayebe this is why I love Dr. Drew so much.

My Uncle Robert (also my God Father) is an addict and he is probably going to die. He has been doing drugs since he was 15 and he is almost 50 and he wants to stop but when he did stop he had a psychotic break, like literally hallucinating inventiong stories and getting crazy. He was staying with my Mom before I went back home but then he left and now he is back on drugs. My Mom just called me crying because he admitted he can't stop. She doesn't know what to do and all I could do was shut down. It's not that I don't care, I just feel like he is going to die and I wonder if I am just preparing myself.

I wish that I could reach out and offer my help BUT when I do that I lose myself in that persons life and their problems. They consume me and then when they hurt, I hurt but it seems like I hurt more then they do. I am not going to get into that. I have to watch from afar and just hope for the best. Everytime I give myself to someone I walk away with a little less of myself and of course I get it back with work but I am tired of that shit.

I just had to get all this shit off my chest because......today is a hard day.

life is short

I have been doing a lot of thinking these days about my love life. LOL of course, right? I have been missing P a lot but I will not write him. I can't, I just don't have it in me to go thru that again right now. It is like putting myself through the ringer over and over. I mean we could go back and forth over all the reasons to be together and to not.

I used to spend a lot of time telling people "Life is short" because I everyone thinks I am very spontaneous and I do a lot of crazy things, etc. So this very thing came to me the other day when I was having a weak moment trying to justify to myself why I should write to him. Life IS short but it all depends on how we see it. It is like half empty/half full argument. I have a connection and a bond with Papito that is like no other I have. I love him still as much as I did 6 months or a year ago. When I am alone and I think on it and I think that I don't have that "promise" that I had that we were going to be together I get upset. But Life is short. I blame my outlook on this to the Libra in me. I think it is too short to sit around waiting for him, I need to get out there and live my life, love hard, make mistakes, laugh as much as I can, make friends, cry as much as I can, see the world, make memories with my son BUT then Life is too short to give up on what I believe is the greatest love I have ever known. To give up on an opportunity to have that mental (intellectual) connection that for me is the most satisfying thing I have ever come to know. It is THAT intense! I have heard it all about how he is in prison and he probably says that to everyone and what not. I believe what I believe. We are talking 11 years that we have known each other and we weren't always romantic. So I was at a crossroads and at the end of the day I truly believe that the heart wants what the heart wants. I don't think I will ever have this love again but in the end (even if we are 90) if we belong togehter we are going to make it. I have relationships on other levels with people that are fulfilling as well and I will not be unhappy at all. One of my closest friends is my first love and if you would have told me 10 years ago we would be where we are I would have said you were a liar so maybe P has fulfilled his purpose already. But I will never stop being a hopeFUL romantic....

I know that there is someone out there for me SOMEWHERE....where are you damn it?! LOL

I know that I have a lot of GINA to work on and I am SLOWLY doing that now. I am not in a rush. I am a damn good woman and I believe that I will have my happiness.

my broken heart

Just when I think that I have "let go" something comes back to haunt me or test me or something. I often say to myself "Gina, you are too old to still be going through this crap" but really, when are we too old to be learning things about life and ourselves?! Yes I am always having my heart broken and I always fall back into it and get hurt all over again. Papito was the end all be all for me. I truly believed (and still do on some level) that he is the one for me. I had no choice but to walk away from him because I deserve to be someone's #1. If I stayed and sat on the sidelines I would be doing myself a great injustice. Last night I was missing him, BAD. I told that to my friend and they told me that he has been talking bad behind my back. What is said and to whom doesn't really matter. The fact that I am again disappointed in him and myself if what matters. I don't pray to be different, I wouldn't be me if I was. I do pray and hope for the ability and strength to endure what life is throwing at me. There are times when I want to throw up my arms and say "I have to change what I am doing" but I am afraid that I will lose myself if I do that. I feel so confused! I feel so lost. I don't know what to do with myself sometimes.

I have loved Papito for as long as I can remember and as deeply as I have loved anyone and this is a man that I have never even slept with. When he looked into my eyes, I felt like he was looking INTO my soul. I used to hear cheesy stuff like that and laugh becuase I thought that was so corny but I understood things like that because of this man. He could read my mind, he could feel what I was feeling. We cried together, laughed together, sat in silence together. There was no part of my life that I could imagine without him. Deciding to let him go was a decision that took me forever to make, but I had no choice. It was a decision that he was too cowardly to make for us. I still think of him everyday and I will even admit that I wonder if we will be 40 and see each other and be together. I feel pathetic when I come out of that thought process. But I still am an eternal optimistic & a romantic! One part of me wants to be that way forever (when I am happy) but then when I hurt I wish it would go away.

I don't even know why I wanted to write about this but I felt like if I didn't let this out it was going to consume my heart and it hurts. It hurts me bad. I want to cry it out, I want to yell and scream and punch until he is out of my heart. I question now if he ever loved me at all.....

I can't imagine a day where I am not in love with someone or "involved" with someone. Is that a sickness? Am I as bad as an addict because I feel so co-dependant. Are relationships the thing that I need to be rehabilitated from?! :(